A man comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the television and calls to is wife- who is in the kitchen making dinner "Hey, Honey- quick: bring me a beer before it starts."

She comes out from the kitchen with an ice cold beer for him. She returns to the kitchen and a moment or two later he calls to her again.

"Hey, Honey- quick: bring me a beer before it starts."

Again she comes out from the kitchen with an ice cold beer for him.
She returns to the kitchen and a moment or two later he calls to her again.

"Hey, Honey- quick: bring me a beer before it starts."

This time she brings a beer for him but she is mad.

"You lazy, good for nothing! You go off to your job and what- you think I have the day off?? Do you ever try top imagine how much I work I do here? I clean all day. I do the laundry, take care of the yard, balance the books, shop for your dinner and your beer, I make dinner for you and you sit here on your fat ass and boss me around like I don;t even matter!!! Do you EVER CONSIDER ME AND MY FEELINGS??"

"Yep" the husband says, "Now it starts."

A man and his wife decide to obtain a milk cow to have their own fresh milk every day. The husband buys such a cow at auction. But, once he is home he finds that there is something wrong with the cow.

He calls up his good friend Jack who knows about milk cows and asks him to come over and look at the animal.

Jack comes over and goes to the cow. "What's the matter then?" he asks.

"Well," the man says, "When you touch the teets to begin milking the cow always farts."

So, Jack sits down to milk the cow. As he takes a hold of the teets to begin milking, sure enough, the cow farts.

The Jack stands up and says" I know what's wrong. This cow is from Kansas."

"How do you know that?" the man asks.

"My wife does the same thing" Jack says.

Three men are leaving a Christmas party when they die in a car crash.

They appear before St. Peter. He says to them "I will let you into Heaven is you can show me something on your person that suggests this special holiday known as Christmas.

The first man pulls out a lighter. He ignites it and says "This is the light that the Lord brought to us all."

"Okay" says St. Peter, and lets him in.

The second man pulls put his car keys and shakes them so they jingle. "These are like bells."

"Okay" says St. Peter, and lets him in.

The last man is fumbling about and finally pulls out a pair of women's lacy bikini underpants. "How about it?" he says holding them up for St. Peter to see.

"What has that got to do with Christmas?" St. Peter demands.

The man says "These are Carol's."

Three women walk into the bar. A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

The bartender sets a napkin in front of each one. He asks the brunette what he can get her. "I'll have a 24 neet" she said.

The bartender is stumped. "A 24 neet? What is that?"

"Well, duh," said the brunette, "Double 12- year old scotch, no ice."

He nods and makes the drink. He asks the redhead what she would like. "I'll have a 302- coke" she says.

"A 302-coke?" he says. "What is that?"

"Well, duh" says the redhead, "Double Bacardi 151 Rum and coke."

He makes the drink and asks the blonde what she would like. "I'll have a 19" she says.

"A 19? What is that?" asks the bartender.

"Well, duh" says the blond, "Seven and seven."

This week let's look at the cultural phenomenon that is the Chuck Norris Facts movement. Actually, these are pretty funny. Herewith are some of the best:

1. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
2. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
3. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
4. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
5. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
6. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
7. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
8. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. One day Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
12. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
13. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
14. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
15. Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Sadly he has never cried.
16. When Chuck Norris jumps into a swimming pool he does not get wet: the water gets Chuck Norrissed.
17. When Chuck Norris watches a put it boils.
18. Chuck Norris judges books by their cover.
19. Chuck Norris has but two modes: sleep and kill.
20. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
21. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
22. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
23. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
24. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
25. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
26. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
27. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
28. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
29. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
30. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
31. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
32. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
33. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
34. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
35. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
36. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris."
37. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
38. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
39. Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
40. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
41. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
42. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
43. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

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Bill faxed his wife that he'd be home a day earlier than planned from his business trip.

Arriving at the house, he discovered his wife in bed with another man.

Bitterly, Billy stormed out of the house, drove around for a while, and finally went to see his therapist.

Bill told his doctor the sad story.

After pondering this the therapist finally spoke. "Maybe she didn't get the fax."

A man was driving down the street, in a sweat, because he had an important meeting and couldn't find parking.

He drove around the large city block he wanted to park on again and again. Minutes were ticking by and he feared for his professional life if he could not park very soon.

Finally, looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking."

He drove around the block again. No space. "Lord" he said a little louder, "I promise I will attend church every Sunday, I'll stop drinking and gambling and I will be a better father to my kids."

He drove around the block again. No space. "Lord" he said a little louder still, "I promise I will attend church every Sunday, I'll stop drinking and gambling and I will be a better father to my kids, I'll be faithful to my wife and I will donate 10% of all my wages to my church."

Just then, miraculously, a parking space appeared right in front of him.

The man looked up again and said, "Lord- never mind. I just found one."

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The little boy (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?”

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.

The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, “Did your Mom tell you to ask me?”

The boy said, ““Yes she did.”

“Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.”